You Knew

Dear God,

Well.  This car accident thing sure has taken its toll.  It took my mom, my ability to walk, run, jump, dance, and now...give birth.

It does not seem to stop taking away.

I remember the doctors saying that there should be no reason I should not be able to have children - that all was intact.  I sure had plenty of signs that things were working well.  As an awkward tomboy, I didn't really care, but it was nice knowing that it hadn't taken everything.

As an adult, a wife, and one whose profession seems inextricably linked to the pouring out of myself into the lives of children, what that car accident had likely not taken became a hope I held onto.

Then I found out I had a growth.  My body had failed me, once again.  At first, I was disappointed in you, but you reminded me that the pit was deeper and you brought me out before I saw the bottom.  You reminded me that you made me to "walk in the light of life".

Turns out the growth was a consequence of that car accident, and has had irreversible effects on fertility.  It just keeps taking away.  I am heart-broken because I didn't think it, but I realized:

You knew.

You knew when I was deathly sick for weeks with that lethal fever that there would be damage and consequences.  You knew I would face this time.  Not only did you know me in my mother's womb, but you knew my womb when I was three.

And you also knew that I would be a mother.

Well, you wouldn't know it to look at me, but you knew the desires of my heart before I knew them.  You knew the hope was more than a reclamation, you knew my heart was gestating the desire for children.

You knew.

And you let this desire grow inside of me, nurtured it, plastered it across my life, prepared me even though I feel like I've lost all my notes!

So if you knew then and still allowed this seed to take root, then you must know something I don't.

Amen

I'd Like to Return This

Isn't it nice when you bring home something brand new and you tried it on at the store and it looked great in their magic lying mirrors and then you get home in the differently-hued lights of your home, and suddenly this garment is hideous?

This is why we leave the tags on until we have comfortably worn the garment for the first time (some of us longer, am I right?).  When there's a problem, we can always return it!  This is great for my budget, but lousy for my philosophy.

About two months ago, I found out I have a very large (like bigger than my stomach) tumor on one of my ovaries.  Now I always thought God and I had this understanding that enough had happened to my body, and I had fulfilled my lifetime of suffering in that regard.  I mean, for real, I can only feel and move about 25% of the thing!

I told God I wanted to return this earth suit.  It was and is defective and I just can't bear to own it any longer!  I may have been mad at him, though at the time, my term was "disappointed".  I thought you were looking out, God!  And now I have to return this thing.  Yes, I am aware there are no exchanges, no store credit, but I really was ready to be done.

Apparently we call this self-pity.

I was on a women's retreat a few weekends later, trying hard not to be mad at him, but knowing that I was.  I was in the bathroom when he took me to town on my feelings.

God has delivered me from going down to the pit, and I shall live to enjoy the light of life. - Job 33:28

In the midst of my complaining, God reminded me of the pit from where he brought me.  I was thinking of the whole thing backwards.  I was thinking of all the things I had already been through and using those to justify why bad things should stop happening to my body.  But I failed to remember that each of the instances of damage that had occurred to my body had also been deliverance from something worse:

1 - car accident = spinal cord injury at T-2 level resulting in permanent paraplegia; well I was 3 and in a very serious car accident, so I could have died (actually I did, so I could have stayed that way)
2 - abdominal infection with fevers up to 104 degrees (as a 3-year-old) again, could have been fatal, and almost was, but then it wasn't
3 - scoliosis from spinal cord injury resulting in spinal fusion surgery (an 8 hour surgery that could have resulted in any number of issues) at the age of 16; very risky surgery I pulled through with flying colors
4 - at the age of 20, became nearsighted and had to wear contacts; could be blind - imagine being in a wheelchair and being blind...I mean,..for real.
5 - at the age of 30, diagnosed with an ovarian tumor; likely is not cancerous, and bonus: they may be able, through the medically necessary (and therefore insurance-covered) surgery, determine why and fix the problem that is resulting in infertility

So yeah, he has delivered me from some pits.  And here I am complaining about it.

For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. - Psalm 56:13

I always like the walking verses for some reason :)

I know I will get to return this body someday and trust me I will jump, run laps, walk, and dance for a long, long time.  But until then, I WILL WALK in the light of life because he has delivered me from the pit.

Pain Proves Life

After my car accident, in order to determine the level of my spinal cord injury, doctors poked me with pins. The logic: if I cried and/or screamed as a 3-year old getting pricked by pins would, then I could feel the pain. If I didn't, well I couldn't. Side Note: this is no accounting for the fact that I could SEE the pins coming and did not take kindly to the clear probability of being stabbed repeatedly by people who were supposed to be caring for me! Throughout the years, I have found that, much like those pin pricks, pain proves life. When I am struggling through a challenge or dealing with an inner conflict, I end up coming to some realization about life that I never would have found if not for the pain. Now, we may see pins coming and begin crying and screaming (and maybe even running), but ultimately it is only the prick of that pin that can show us where death and darkness end and the light of life begins.

Act Your Age

I turned 30 yesterday. Usually, after my birthday, I don't feel any different, but for this one, I did. Something has been switching (on or off, I'm not yet certain) inside me in the weeks leading up to my 30th birthday. They say as you get older, you care less and less about what other people think. It's weird, too, it's not like you are even trying to do it, but it does happen. In fact, I spent most of my 20s trying to care less about what people thought of me and more of what God thought of me, but I could only go so far. Suddenly, it just clicked. Seriously, design-ful! I've long since recognized the part my parents have played in the development of my borderline neuroses regarding perfection, but suddenly I recognize this as being in perfect tense, complete, with no capacity for alteration. Suddenly, I realize that recognizing the root is not enough. Heck, even ripping it out and replacing it with [insert beautiful plant name here] is not enough! Simply, I realize that I have a responsibility to move on, to rebuild, to redefine. I think in the naivete that accompanied me in my 20s I saw this transformation as just that, one night I go to sleep in my morbid cocoon state and the next morning I emerge a wondrous creature, free of imperfections and ready to face the world with both beautiful wings. I now recognize how long it takes the poor butterfly to emerge, and how it must pull one body part out at a time, spend time drying off, and then, yes, it does fly, but one wing-flap at a time, and still must face this great big world - the same one I am facing, incidentally! I am learning to make small changes, one at a time, to recognize my shortcomings and REJOICE in them!! Knowing who God says I am is one thing, but being content with who that is, well, that's another! To me, confidence has always been a mood, or sometimes, when I am out of such a mood, it's a pep talk, wherein I must force myself to "step up", initiate conversation with people, be comfortable with who I am, how I look, who I know, what I say, etc. What I have learned is this: Confidence: a state of being certain, a trust placed in another Yes, thank you very much!! Confidence is not comfort, it's certainty! It is not based on what I am, but on whose I am - it is set on whom I trust! When I trust in God, I become certain that what he says is truth, I know he has my back, I know who I am, and I can move confidently (though likely not comfortably) to the next [insert awesome action, thought, conversation starter, etc. here]! That's right: I'm THIRTY!!! Look out :)

Proud Parent of a Honorable Student

When I was in school, I was an honor student. Before you take that as a boast, understand that I'm not trying to brag. This is about bumper stickers.  I used to get jealous of my friends whose parents would put the bumper stickers on their car: "Proud Parent of an Honor Student at Buena Terra Elementary School".

My parents were all about achievement.  I found at a young age that the way to get affection or affirmation from my parents was to get all A's (definitely no A-'s), win awards, and be constantly outperforming my peers.

So as any attention seeking child would, that's what I did.

But the buck stopped at the ceremony.

It seemed they were never fully in it: they would often leave after my name was called, and darn it they would never put those bumper stickers on their cars.

I'm (mostly) an adult now and I totally get the bumper sticker thing because they get all stuck to your car and what if you want to sell it...

Last week I cleaned out my box from school.  I found all those certificates and awards and I realized I had no use for them.  I threw them away.  What good are my past accomplishments today anyway?

For that matter what good are my present or future accomplishments unless they bring glory to God??

John 3:21 But he who practices truth, who does what is right, comes out into the Light so that his works may be plainly shown to be what they are - wrought with God, divinely prompted, done with God's help, in dependence upon Him.

I wonder what God would post on Facebook when his children do amazing things.  I know for a fact that he uses every last bumper sticker we get.

My goal should not be to achieve.  It should be to glorify, to make angels cheer, to get as many bumper stickers on Daddy's car as possible, not as an honor student, but as an honorable one.

Times of Grief

It's interesting to observe during times of grief.  I've been there: your friend has recently lost someone close to them, what do you do/say?  What's the right thing to say?  A bit of advice...

It doesn't exist

The right thing to say does not exist.  There is no magic cure for grief, there are no words that can give comfort.  Even straight out of the bible words will not help your friend feel better.  Truly, the only thing that helps is time.  This time should be filled with offers of encouraging verses, words, prayers, and comfort, but don't expect these offerings to solve anything is all I'm saying.

With time, however, your friend will return.  If she does not, that's when you fight, but that's another post.

Today I want to talk about what not to say.  A young friend of mine who recently lost her dad said it best: "I don't mind people touching me, I don't mind the hugs, the cards, the sad looks, just don't give me advice.  I don't need your advice.  Everything you are telling me I already know - I don't need to hear it."  This is true, my friends.  This is what not to say.  Again, nothing you can say will be filling that void anytime soon.

When she said this, I smiled because I realized that this is what people do to me all the time.  I am not angry about it, but it is interesting.  People try to give me advice that is never helpful, they try to give help that is seldom useful, they try to feel sorry for me, which doesn't really offer solution, they try to connect their own experiences with my own, and somehow it just isn't filling a void.  These are the things people do when they see my wheelchair.

I began to wonder if, to the outside world, I look like someone who is grieving.  Do you feel compelled to rush to my aid, to find those magical words that will make me feel better about my life?  

The funny thing is, I'm okay.  Time has certainly healed me, but you don't see that, so you feel the need to provide me with comfort.  Your heart is in the right place, but your solution does not exist.

Only God can comfort in times of grief, only God has the solution we are looking for.  Only he can fill the void of, well, anything.

So what do you do when you feel for someone going through?  My husband said it best: "In the Bible, whenever someone was mourning, his friends would just go and sit with him.  Mourn, or fill little needs, talk if necessary, but basically just sit and be there."

True dat.

Oooooh, Oooooh! Me, Me!

Remember the annoying kid in class who was practically jumping out of her seat, flailing her raised arm, desperate for the teacher to call on her because she knew the right answer? Yeah, I was totally that kid. I have spent most of my life achieving, earning, striving for perfection. This works fantastically in jobs and careers, in most relationships, and even in church. But strive as I might, I have hit a wall. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to achieve the purpose God has set forth for my life. I have asked him over and over, and read into little things here and there, knowing - just KNOWING - that I had found it, only to find out he had other plans. According to Jeremiah 29:11, God does, in fact, have a plan for my life. Can he not see my flailing hand? Pick me, Lord, pick me! I cannot very well do what I must in order to achieve my purpose if I do not know what that purpose is! I like to think that sometimes when I'm wrong, it makes God laugh a little. When Saul was chosen as the first king of Israel, God spoke to Samuel and told him that he would meet a man on the road looking for donkeys and that man would be the king. Saul was selected because God could use him, but he was found because he was in search of his father's escaped donkeys. When David was chosen to be king, he was in the fields with his sheep, not lined up like his brothers in their father's house. David was just humble enough, and had pursued such skills as harp-playing, which made him just right for a placement with the king, who required soothing harp music to face his tormenting spirits. The fact is, God does have a plan for my life. But more importantly, God has a plan that includes my life! That means, whatever I am facing, whatever I am in pursuit of, whatever God has told me to do, I must go about that business, not because it is lined up with some great purpose, but because it lines up with God, which is, indeed, my purpose! I will not be chosen to answer every call, even if my hand is the most visible. God is looking for me to accomplish that which he has set before me. At a point when Joab, the commander of the Israelite army under David, was surrounded by foes on all sides, he said to his men: "Be strong and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The Lord will do what is good in his sight." - 2 Samuel 10:12 Amen! Daddy, I can offer only praises to the one who has it figured out. Thank you that you have set forth something that no man or woman can earn, but that you have placed us, through your love, just where we need to be. Help us to pursue you, for in doing so, we will witness the purpose you have prepared for our lives. Thank you that we do not have to be kings, but that you choose donkey-chasers and sheep-tenders, and even some over-achievers, to be a part of your plan. In Jesus's name, Amen

Am I Proof?

When the Israelites passed through the Red Sea, God showed them who he is - all Moses had to do was raise his staff and the waters parted for the crossing. When they got to the Jordan, there was no staff. God sent the priests carrying the ark of the covenant out into the water to get their feet wet. Then, the waters parted and the priests were instructed to remain there until all Israelites had crossed. When they got to Jericho, Joshua was given the marching orders and on the 7th time around the city on the 7th day, shouting, the city of Jericho fell to Joshua and his people. At each place, God reminded the people that he had delivered the cities into their hands. God had different instructions for various other takeovers, but as word spread of the powerful pilgrimage of the Israelites, the message was the same: these people who follow God are unbeatable! That was until Ai. At Ai, approximately 36 Israelites fell to the Amorites on the conquest attempt. What happened - did God go back on his promise? Joshua 7: 7-9: 7 And Joshua said, “Alas, Sovereign Lord, why did you ever bring this people across the Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us? If only we had been content to stay on the other side of the Jordan! 8 Pardon your servant, Lord. What can I say, now that Israel has been routed by its enemies? 9 The Canaanites and the other people of the country will hear about this and they will surround us and wipe out our name from the earth. What then will you do for your own great name?” No, he didn't: 10 The Lord said to Joshua, “Stand up! What are you doing down on your face? 11 Israel has sinned; they have violated my covenant, which I commanded them to keep. They have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen, they have lied, they have put them with their own possessions." It did Joshua no good to be crying out to God when the Israelites were not in line with God's orders. 13 “Go, consecrate the people. Tell them, ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow; for this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: There are devoted things among you, Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove them. Sometimes I wonder if we are proof enough of who God is. Do we love like he says to love? Do we do what he says to do? Are we proof that God is who he says he is?? One thing is clear: God doesn't need us to prove anything - he is proof enough, BUT I know I don't want to go around attempting to seize cities without some almighty back-up!! And we cannot stand before our enemies until we take away the things in our lives that are devoted to destruction. Daddy, Thank you that you deliver whole cities into the hands of those who act in accordance with your truth and purpose. Help us to remain in that truth and focus on that purpose so that we will not be caught before our enemies in a losing battle. May we always be the proof that you are who you say you are. May we perpetuate and not work in opposition to your great name! In Jesus's name, Amen

Good Day

The other day, I was driving with a friend of mine, who'd had a few days in which things just did not go as he had planned. However, this particular day, things were going mostly in his favor, so he said to me, "Today is a good day." I am sometimes too literal of a person, but I couldn't shake the visual: Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. 3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. Everyone knows the beginning of Genesis with all the "and God saw that it was good"s. One thing I noticed, though, is that he created us last. Of course, we were the final stroke on his masterpiece, but what struck me the most is that every day, God looked at his creation and saw that it was good. And we weren't even there. This means a day is not good or bad because of how it treated me. Actually, there are no bad days. All days are good. Inherently. Because God said so. Daddy, You are mighty and majestic. Thank you for every day you have created throughout time. Forgive us for trying to define you on our terms. Help us to remember that everything you have created has worth and value, including (but not limited to) us. In the name of your son we come to you, Amen.

Walking the Walk

Today I "ran" two miles on the track at the gym. I try to vary my exercises, but I like the track the most because it gives me time to think. Most days, it also provides opportunities for me to laugh. Let me explain. First, the thinking: today, I was thinking about the things we leave at the feet of Jesus. Specifically, the things I leave at his feet and how freeing it is that he takes them and gives me his hope, joy, peace, and strength in return. The image this conjures is a growing pile at the foot of the cross that Jesus is covering with his blood. It makes me want to take every little thing I don't want to deal with and let him do it all. But that's not really what it's about. I want to lay it down at your feet But I can’t let it there when I leave Can’t means something to me And I can’t leave this at your feet So if I bring this to you now I have to stay until you heal The pain you found inside me If I leave it with you I can’t go anywhere And if I want to leave I can’t give it to you This thing is attached to me And I need you to set me free. In case you didn't know, I am in a wheelchair. I was paralyzed in a car accident as a child. And I used to think if there was just some way I could leave my wheelchair with Jesus that I would be able to walk away, just like the man with the mat by the pool, which is why I wrote the poem above. But, that's not really what it's about, either (though I am totally still waiting for that day). Today, in lap 16 of 20, a man tapped me on the shoulder and said to me with a smile, "God bless you for keeping going." I know he meant well, but when he was out of sight, I started laughing. Out loud. Sometimes we believe that if we have a little, or even big, challenge in life we should either be able to drop it off with Jesus or give up entirely. Today I was reminded that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Can I walk? No, actually. Can I run, jump, skip? No, no, and no. So what can I do through Christ who gives me strength? I can pick up what I have and through the strength Jesus gives me I can keep going. Besides, Jesus carried his own cross, and his didn't even have wheels. Daddy, Thank you that you love us so much that you rescue us. Thank you that we can come to you when we are tired and burdened and you will give us rest in exchange for our junk. Thank you for trusting us with those things in life that are ours to pick up and keep going. Most of all, thank you for your portion of supernatural strength that is just right for each trial and task we face. Continue to be our source. In the name of your son we pray. Amen.

"It's Raining in Baltimore"

Anyone who knows me or reads Day 21 knows that I don't like flying. In case you don't, it may put things in perspective if I tell you I once drove from North Carolina to California simply in order to avoid flying there. For anyone who can relate, I bet I can name something you enjoy less than flying: turbulence. I know the feeling that creeps up in control freaks like me when the plane rumbles and then drops 20 feet like it was nothing. However, I can tell you that there is one feeling even worse than turbulence: the dread of it. When the pilot comes over the speaker and says, "This is the captain speaking. We are nearing Baltimore and seem to be heading into a storm. We will be experiencing some turbulence, so please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened until we give the all-clear." Ugh, I can feel it now... It's amazing what people will do to avoid rough patches. Me? I will drive over 3000 miles for 3 days to avoid a 5 hour flight. But what do you do when you are already in the plane? Sometimes we act like the turbulence in life is so worth avoiding that we would rather take a longer, more taxing route to get to our destination. I have to imagine if I were God I would be annoyed by this. After all, struggle is a part of life - how do you avoid life? The answer, of course, is that you don't. So, what do I do when I know the turbulence is coming? I pray. Out loud and out proud, I pray. Right before the rough patch, I close my eyes, hold on tight, and trust that God's got this. And you know what? The turbulence is terrible. But when I let go and open my eyes, I see the clouds clear and the plane settles and I can see a clear day over Baltimore as we come in for a smooth landing. Daddy, Thank you for life. Thank you for the ups and the downs, and for entrusting us with struggle and seeing us through to the other side of the rough times. Help us to fully rely on you as we anticipate, endure, and recover from life's turbulence. Be our source and our firm foundation. May we not back down from the storm, as it is usually the storm that gets us closer to where we need to be. In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen Romans 5: 3 Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. 4 And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. 5 Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.

Bearing Ring Pops

I was in kids' church a couple weeks ago helping out with the lesson. One of the activities the leaders include regularly is a Bible trivia competition. If a child gets the answer correct, they receive a Ring Pop, or if they don't know the answer, they can tag another child to answer. When it was Mia's turn, she was shy and uncomfortable. The answer to the trivia question was simply "Jesus", but Mia didn't grow up in church, so she didn't know the answer. Kayla raised her hand because she knew the answer and Mia tagged her. "Jesus," Kayla answered with confidence. She was promptly rewarded with a Ring Pop while Mia returned to her seat empty-handed. Kayla proved she knew about Jesus. But more impressive was what happened next. "Mia. Mia..." I heard whispers behind me and turned around just in time to see Kayla pass her Ring Pop to Mia, who began beaming. Kayla does not only know about Jesus. Kayla knows Jesus. And now Mia and any other child sitting in my corner of the room knows that Kayla knows Jesus. If sharing a Ring Pop is any indication of knowing Jesus, then all those children want to know him now too. Matthew 7:17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. 21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Knowing about Jesus is a wonderful thing: it is good for our growth and for the growth of those with whom we interact. Far more powerful are the fruits that prove we know Jesus, and those fruits are what bring others to seek and find the true source of truth and love. Daddy, Thank you for the gift you sent us in your Son. Thank you that you know us and seek a relationship with us. Thank you for giving us your word to instruct and guide us. Give us the wisdom to know about you and help us bear the fruits to show others who you really are. In Jesus' name, Amen

Low, Dried Up Tree

As fall slowly takes the place of the warm summer weather, I have begun to miss spring. I actually really enjoy fall, but I am not a great fan of winter, so I prefer the promises spring brings. In the spring, new life begins to form and we plant seeds, prune branches, and watch leaves and flowers bloom. In the fall, we see those branches drop dead, dried up leaves all over the ground. There certainly is a time and a season for everything! In the spring of life, the beauty is in the blooming tree and its fruits. In the fall, the beauty is in the death of the leaf and its, well, fall to the earth. As the trees dry up, we seem to think less of them somehow - like they are dying or sleeping until they will awaken again in the spring. As we experience the seasons of life, we often delight in our strengths, recognizing them as gifts from God, but we usually hide our weaknesses: seeing them as evidence that we are dying or sleeping or somehow less beautiful. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Does God show up in your life? In your strength, does he show up as your source? In your weakness, does he show up as your strength? In your struggle, does he show up as your hope? Your peace? Thus says the Lord God: I Myself will take a twig from the lofty top of the cedar and will set it out; I will crop off from the topmost of its young twigs a tender one and will plant it upon a mountain high and exalted. And all the trees of the field shall know (understand and realize) that I the Lord have brought low the high tree, have exalted the low tree, have dried up the green tree, and have made the dry tree flourish. I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it. Ezekiel 17:22, 24 God will show up. He will make low the high, high the low, dry the green, and green the dried up. So if we start low, he will set us high upon a mountain. If we start dead to ourselves, he will bring us new life. Delight in the beauty of the low, dried up tree. In its own existence, it is evidence that God will bring beauty when his strength shows through our weakness. Daddy, Thank you for the seasons of life. Your power is magnificent and evident in every season. Make me a low, dried up tree so that you show through my weaknesses. Help me to delight in those weaknesses, not to hide them, for they are evidence that you are my source. Crop off anything that I have exalted and plant it as a low tree, turning it back to weakness so that you are glorified. In the name of Jesus I come to you, Amen

Think About It

As girls, my sister and I shared a room. We had perpendicular bunk-beds, which were generally great, except for the occasion or two where my sister had nightmares and would throw her 6 lb. realistic-proportioned plastic babydoll right onto my stomach from her top bunk...but overall, they were good! Unable to appropriately meet our bedtime of 8:00 with sleep every night, we would often stay up talking until much later. Usually, we discussed the events of the day and how we felt about them, or what we were excited about for the next day. Sometimes we would discuss a movie we had watched or somewhere we had gone, whatever came to mind, really. There were times, however, when we did not know what to talk about, and would fall silent. "Are you awake?" "Yes. Are you?" "Yes. Do you want to talk about something?" "Sure, what do you want to talk about?" "I don't know. Let's think about what we can talk about." "Okay...got anything?" "No. Let's think about what we should think about." "Okay!" Yes, this is the conversation we had when I was 9 and she was 7. Don't judge. I reflect on this every year or two, smiling as I realize how cute we were! But, of course, that was only because we were kids. Obviously nobody has this conversation as a mature adult. But maybe we should. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Luke 6:45: "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." 2 Corinthians 10:5: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Life and death are in the power of our tongues (Prov 18:21), so let us be sure to take the time to think about what we talk about and to even think about what we think about! Daddy, Thank you for giving us minds of our own. Unfortunately, these minds tend to wander. Help us to take captive every thought and make it obedient to you so that what we have stored up in our hearts lines up with the Truth. Then we know that what we speak will be glorifying to you. Help us to think before we speak, and even before we think. Give us the wisdom to discern the right thing to say at the right time. May you be lifted up and exalted in all our thoughts and words. In the name of Jesus, Amen

Break Their Teeth!

Whenever I read through the Bible growing up, I would always come across passages (specifically Old Testament in nature) where some person (David, Nehemiah, Solomon, etc.) would implore God to smite his enemies. I found these to be of little use to me (as one without enemies, of course), and, frankly, a little to violent for my taste: I.E.: David: "Arise, Lord! Deliver me, my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked." - Ps 3:7 Really, David? Their teeth?! They didn't even have orthodontic surgeons back in the day. Serious smite, right?! I was so glad I didn't have these armies of enemies chillin' at my gates! Hehe. Wrong, again. I grew up believing I was worthless, that I had to earn love through actions, and that I needed the approval of my parents and my peers for everything I did. As I believed these lies, I acted accordingly, striving for every last bit of love I could find on earth. Oh, my gates were rampant with enemies! Enemies called unworthiness, conditional love, approval, rejection, depression, and criticism. And I needed their jaws smashed and some teeth broken! As luck would have it, I know a guy in the business. "You divided the sea before them, so that they went through its midst on dry land; their persecutors You threw into the depths, as a stone into mighty waters." - Nehemiah 9:11 The passages I once skimmed over have now become the words on which I stand. "Show Your marvelous loving-kindness, O You Who save by Your right hand those who trust and take refuge in You from those who rise up against them. Keep and guard me as the pupil of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings from the wicked who despoil and oppress me, my deadly adversaries who surround me." - Ps 17:7-9 Daddy, Thank you for your protection and power. I am so grateful that I am called "daughter" by a loving guardian who will cast my enemies like stones into mighty waters!! Thank you that we can stand on your Word and help us to remember that you are the same God who carried the Israelites from Egypt, and the same who heard David's songs so many years ago. You are a mighty comforter and protector. Thank you for sending us your strength in the form of Holy Spirit, who gives us the wisdom to recognize our enemies and the power to smash them! In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen

Without Seeing, Without Knowing

When I was 23, God opened a Google map for me and told me to move to a seemingly remote town I had never heard of in a state I had never even been to, and to buy a house and plant myself and my family (husband) in that place. He did not tell me why, or how, or anything, really. So, we packed up our apartment in D.C.: our stuff, selves, and three perturbed cats and rolled on down to our new home. It would be super great if I could tell you God was immediately evident, had set up jobs and a home for us to establish, etc. I cannot, however, as none of these things were the case. We were homeless, living in our car with lots of our stuff and our three, angry felines. For three months we were uncertain about where we were sleeping, what we were eating, where our cats were urinating, and the like. My flesh wants to tell you it was awful. It was not - it was amazing! Sure it was difficult, but the blessings we witnessed and became a part of, and the seeds that were sown, into our lives and others, were just incredible. I want to tell you that this was evidence that I trusted God. The truth I learned this week (five years after our adventure): this was evidence of my faith in God, but it was a far journey from proof of my trust in him. God has been showing me the difference between faith and trust. Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is the assurance of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]." In other words, faith is believing without seeing. It is built through an understanding of who God is and proof he has already given you that he is your shield, your strength, your comforter, and your friend. Faith is knowing you won't sink when God tells you to get out of the boat. Trust, on the other hand, knows no such thing. Trust means giving up control, surrendering, being willing to step out of the boat whether you will sink or not. Trust means giving your life to God completely and allowing him to use it to accomplish his goals, not your own. Faith is believing without seeing. Trust is going without knowing. When we embarked on our journey, we stepped out in faith, knowing that God would not have told us to go if he didn't have a way for it to work. Trust is something I am learning now, which is requiring me to offer my life to God as a sacrifice regardless of the circumstance I am in, not knowing whether it will end "well" for me. Trust is for God's purposes, not mine. Phillipians 4:11-13 "...I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am. I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want: I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency]." Faith is prerequisite for trust, and trust is the foundation of faith. God will build our faith by proving his love and strength to us. Trust is our response to that faith where we lay our lives before God and say, "Do what you will." The best news is: because our Daddy loves us, he will reward our faith and honor the trust we place in him. Daddy, Thank you for your might and awesome power. Thank you that you have numbered the hairs on our head and have set your banner of love over us. Help us to have faith to believe in your promises. Most of all, give us the strength through which we may present our lives to you as offerings to your will and may we be content through all circumstances we may face, knowing that we are a part of your plan. Help us to trust in you. In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen

Your Gatorade Should Not Taste Like Soap

Last week, a friend of mine was at my house. Someone in my family had made a pitcher of gatorade from those tubs of gatorade powder, and she had helped herself to some. As soon as she took a sip, I saw her face wrinkle in disgust. "Too strong?" I asked. "No. It tastes like soap!" was the response. Why was she surprised? Because your gatorade should not taste like soap. She assumed that gatorade was all that was put in the pitcher, and therefore all that would come out. Our bodies, minds, spirits, and souls are all pitchers. What we fill them with is what eventually comes out. There are literal and more allegorical translations to this, but basically, if you put in good stuff, good stuff comes out, and if you don't, well...you know the rest. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45 People often wonder why they feel powerless, helpless to face their lives. They wonder why they always do good simply to have bad things happen. They wonder why God isn't using them the way they feel they were meant to be used. If you are powerless, fill yourself with God's healing, loving, saving power, and what will come out of you is God's power. If you are helpless, find where your true help comes from - lean on Him wholeheartedly, fill your spirit with his help and you will find your help overflowing! Fill yourself with God's goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, love, joy, patience, peace, kindness, self-control...just fill yourself with Holy Spirit and these fruits with flow out of you. Just as importantly, fill yourself with prayer, thanksgiving, and the word of God and these things will also pour out of you. What goes in a vessel is what comes out of it. That is, of course, unless the vessel was not fully cleaned (and rinsed!) to begin with. While it is important to fill ourselves with the things of our Daddy, it is first important to ensure that we have presented ourselves as clean, fresh, rinsed vessels for the filling. I am finding myself going through my music, DVD's, videotapes (yes I still have some), television habits...everything! Before I fill this vessel with Daddy's gatorade, I want to be sure I have left no trace of anything that could taint it. Then, once it is clean: fill me up, God! Daddy, Thank you for your power and help. Help us to submit our spirits so that we may be willing vessels for you. Help us to first clean house and ensure that our bodies, minds, spirits, and souls are ready for everything you will fill us with. May we rid our hearts of any flavor of the world so that when we are filled with your holy presence, we will hold onto nothing that will taint your awesome power. Thank you for your word that we have black and white, printed materials with which to fill ourselves, and give us the desire to do so daily so that your words are what come out in our lives and the lives of those we touch each day. In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen

Sons and Daughters of Promise

In Sunday school we used to sing the song, "Father Abraham" which is one of those hokey-pokey-move-all-your-limbs-and-flail-about songs, but the words, at least, hold some meaning: Father Abraham had many sons and many sons had father Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you, so let's all praise the Lord. I think about what it must have been like for Abraham to live 100 years, faithfully believing in the promise from God that he and Sarah would bear children, yet as he grew older and older, still believing all the while. Sarah questioned the promise at the point of its delivery, but Abraham never did. However, before the promise came, there were 99 years of struggle for Abraham because he and Sarah wanted a son. From that struggle, Ishmael was born to Abraham, not of Sarah, but of Hagar, the handmaiden. Instead of turning to God, Sarah and Abraham made their own way to get their son. Even though it was Sarah's idea, she was not pleased and the struggle continued, until she was 90 and finally bore a son of her own: Isaac, who became the first in a long line of very important descendants. Generations later, Paul writes of this in Galatians 4:22-31, where he uses the struggle of Abraham and Sarah as an allegory for the sonship of God's children. Ishmael was a child born of the laws of humanity, but Isaac was supernatural, because he was the direct result of a promise from God. So it is through the fulfillment of God's promises that we are free to be his children, not by our own merits or actions, not by the law, which represents our attempts to do what we see is right. "31 So, brethren, we [who are born again] are not children of a slave woman [the natural], but of the free [the supernatural]." This is wonderful news, of course, but what is even more wonderful is the fact that 100 years of struggle for Abraham and Sarah not only became the nation that birthed Christ, but also became an illustration of our freedom in God's promises. Paul used the story of Abraham and Sarah to encourage the Gentiles that Jesus was their answer. Next time you are going through hard times, consider that one day your struggle may become an illustration of freedom for someone else. God can use those who honor him through their suffering to encourage those who suffer. Rest on the promises of God and you shall inherit the nations. Daddy, Thank you for the opportunity to struggle. Even though it seems difficult at the time, we know you have it figured out. Give us the wisdom to look up when we fall down so that, through our faith and your faithfulness, your gift of freedom would shine through. Thank you that you make all things work together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose. Help us to continue to honor you through all things: when the living is easy, and when it isn't. Please, God, may we live so that you may use us as illustrations of your glory. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen

God's Eye View

I might have control issues. I get stressed when riding in a car I'm not driving. I avoid airplanes at many costs because not only do I not fly them, but I don't even know how it ought to be done, so I can't correct the pilot when he errs. It's a character flaw. Thankfully, I have a God who not only understands flaws, but forgives and corrects for them, so I am learning to allow more flight in my life. As a result, I have spent a lot of time in high places recently. In an airplane over Arizona, I understood the beauty of plateaus and buttes we studied in geography. Somewhere over the Midwest, I was astounded by geometry: land is divided in nearly perfect rectangles. Sometimes, as I observed over farmland, land is divided into perfect circles (for irrigation purposes, apparently) and sometimes not so perfect ones (read: land Pac-man). Because of land Pac-man, the camera came out and I captured the perfect Pac-man series played out on the farmlands of somewhere near Illinois. I began to consider what the people on the ground thought of those Pac-man's: realistically, they had no concept of these vast crops as they might be viewed from above. It occurred to me that if it came down to it, I would be in a much better position to navigate the maze than any fellow on the ground, who couldn't even see the Pac-man, nonetheless the maze. When I was little. I often worked on puzzles with my grandparents. The puzzles were never easy, but completion was very much aided by the nearby box top which contained the picture in full, providing essential hints to how the pieces fit together. Seeing the big picture helped us connect the little details. Without it, we would pick up random pieces, hoping they would fit, and when they didn't snap together, we would try another, inevitably growing frustrated with the task. Sometimes, we would force them together, only to realize it left a gaping hole in the picture later on. Most people would not attempt to travel somewhere unfamiliar without a map or GPS. They wouldn't play Pac-man without a bird's eye view of the maze. They wouldn't put a puzzle together without looking at the lid. Yet, we often walk around with the decisions in our lives, trying to fit them into situations that just don't click, without talking to the only one who can see the big picture. We either pick out option after option, frustrated when none of them work right, or we force our circumstances together when they don't really fit, and then we are left wanting further down the road. "So we see that [we are] not able to enter into His rest, because of [our] unwillingness to adhere to and trust in and rely on God" (Hebrews 3:19) We might have control issues. It is only when we listen to God that we begin to see our lives from above, the way he sees them. It is only when we seek his wisdom that we find the pieces that fit together. When we stop trying to force our lives to happen, God will fill the gaps. When we give up control, God will make something beautiful out of the scattered lives we offer him. In fact, he delights in offering this beauty: "And your renown went forth among the nations for your beauty, for it was perfect through My majesty and splendor which I had put upon you, says the Lord God" (Ezekiel 16:14) Daddy, Thank you for your majesty and omniscience. Forgive our tendency toward controlling our lives. Give us the freedom to offer our lives to you so that you can make beauty out of our ashes. Lord, give us wisdom not to force our lives, but to remember that you see what we will become and help us to seek first your will so that we may live to glorify you. In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen

A Stray

The other day I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for a friend when I saw a dog scampering about the lot, seeming lost but okay with it. A group of teenagers who were hanging out at the coffee shop attempted to approach the dog, who promptly turned and walked away. He hadn't gone far when he turned around to look at the kids who had pursued him. I suppose one of the boys counted this as a cue to chase after the dog, who of course ran again. This chase and stop game continued for some minutes before the teens apparently gave up and returned to the coffee shop. Unable to satisfy his curiosity, the dog, still keeping his distance, gazed at the gaggle of kids now sitting, talking, and laughing together. One of the boys broke from the group and approached the dog, more slowly and cautiously this time. I watched him dote: whistle, make kissing noises, speak softly, tiptoe, and finally sit on the grass on a median in the middle of the parking lot. Over the next ten minutes, the space between the boy and the dog decreased sparsely, but consistently. When I began this note, I thought the message was about God's timing. In our society, if we want something, we go get it. See an infomercial: go online and we will ship it to you for 40% off. Want the new phone your neighbor just got: call your provider for an upgrade. Want a dog: go chase one in the parking lot... Because this is our culture, we often fail to recognize the importance of timing. We are used to making our own timing, our own success, our own dreams come true. God's timing is very different. See, he took 7 days to accomplish what we couldn't begin to dream of in a lifetime. So when we pursue something, we may or may not get it. When we wait on God's timing, we still may or may not get what we want, but we will get closer to what is best for us, and usually learn valuable lessons along the way. That's what I thought this message was about. However, as I recounted the story of the lost dog who sought a relationship with but couldn't trust the teenage boy enough to approach him, I considered that we must look like that to our Daddy: lost and hurt, afraid and hesitant. We have trouble trusting that anyone would want to love us when we have been hurt so many times before. God is chasing after us, and sometimes that scares us. But, he is a loving father and he wants that relationship more than anything, so he also sent one before us so we could enter into his presence and he also chose us to live the life we have today and he will also: call after us, approach us gently, dote on us, sit down, and wait for us. His arms are open. When we trust him, we find our home. Daddy, Thank you for your perfect timing and that even when we think we have it figured out (but we really don't), you are waiting to provide all the love and comfort we need. Give us patience and wisdom to wait on you and understand your timing. Thank you that you pursue us and dote on us as a loving shepherd looking after his sheep, and give us the peace and trust necessary to approach you to receive your healing within our spirits. It is in Jesus's name we pray, Amen