Times of Grief

It's interesting to observe during times of grief.  I've been there: your friend has recently lost someone close to them, what do you do/say?  What's the right thing to say?  A bit of advice...

It doesn't exist

The right thing to say does not exist.  There is no magic cure for grief, there are no words that can give comfort.  Even straight out of the bible words will not help your friend feel better.  Truly, the only thing that helps is time.  This time should be filled with offers of encouraging verses, words, prayers, and comfort, but don't expect these offerings to solve anything is all I'm saying.

With time, however, your friend will return.  If she does not, that's when you fight, but that's another post.

Today I want to talk about what not to say.  A young friend of mine who recently lost her dad said it best: "I don't mind people touching me, I don't mind the hugs, the cards, the sad looks, just don't give me advice.  I don't need your advice.  Everything you are telling me I already know - I don't need to hear it."  This is true, my friends.  This is what not to say.  Again, nothing you can say will be filling that void anytime soon.

When she said this, I smiled because I realized that this is what people do to me all the time.  I am not angry about it, but it is interesting.  People try to give me advice that is never helpful, they try to give help that is seldom useful, they try to feel sorry for me, which doesn't really offer solution, they try to connect their own experiences with my own, and somehow it just isn't filling a void.  These are the things people do when they see my wheelchair.

I began to wonder if, to the outside world, I look like someone who is grieving.  Do you feel compelled to rush to my aid, to find those magical words that will make me feel better about my life?  

The funny thing is, I'm okay.  Time has certainly healed me, but you don't see that, so you feel the need to provide me with comfort.  Your heart is in the right place, but your solution does not exist.

Only God can comfort in times of grief, only God has the solution we are looking for.  Only he can fill the void of, well, anything.

So what do you do when you feel for someone going through?  My husband said it best: "In the Bible, whenever someone was mourning, his friends would just go and sit with him.  Mourn, or fill little needs, talk if necessary, but basically just sit and be there."

True dat.