You Knew

Dear God,

Well.  This car accident thing sure has taken its toll.  It took my mom, my ability to walk, run, jump, dance, and now...give birth.

It does not seem to stop taking away.

I remember the doctors saying that there should be no reason I should not be able to have children - that all was intact.  I sure had plenty of signs that things were working well.  As an awkward tomboy, I didn't really care, but it was nice knowing that it hadn't taken everything.

As an adult, a wife, and one whose profession seems inextricably linked to the pouring out of myself into the lives of children, what that car accident had likely not taken became a hope I held onto.

Then I found out I had a growth.  My body had failed me, once again.  At first, I was disappointed in you, but you reminded me that the pit was deeper and you brought me out before I saw the bottom.  You reminded me that you made me to "walk in the light of life".

Turns out the growth was a consequence of that car accident, and has had irreversible effects on fertility.  It just keeps taking away.  I am heart-broken because I didn't think it, but I realized:

You knew.

You knew when I was deathly sick for weeks with that lethal fever that there would be damage and consequences.  You knew I would face this time.  Not only did you know me in my mother's womb, but you knew my womb when I was three.

And you also knew that I would be a mother.

Well, you wouldn't know it to look at me, but you knew the desires of my heart before I knew them.  You knew the hope was more than a reclamation, you knew my heart was gestating the desire for children.

You knew.

And you let this desire grow inside of me, nurtured it, plastered it across my life, prepared me even though I feel like I've lost all my notes!

So if you knew then and still allowed this seed to take root, then you must know something I don't.

Amen