Favor

God put Esther in a place of favor.  But, I have come to realize, that the favor shown to Esther was to accomplish God’s plan for Israel.  Mordecai says to Esther, “perhaps you have come to royalty for such a time as this.”  Esther has always been marked as a hero for putting her life on the line to save her people.  I was always confused because it didn’t seem like such a stretch, really: the king adored her which brought her to the place in which she was favored.  

What struck me is what Mordecai said before he delivered the much-quoted line above: “for if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish.”  Then, he goes on to deliver his continued wisdom.

Esther was shown favor by King Xerxes, but more specifically, by God.  Often, we interpret the “favor of God” as being promoted by worldly terms, or having several good things happen to us or coming into some great financial abundance.  In fact, many people practice obedience out of expectation of favor.  

However, according to Esther’s story, true favor is simply being in the right place at the right time to accomplish God’s will.  Obedience, then, is seeking his will to accomplish in our circumstances.  It’s true that not all circumstances are from God; many of our situations are of our own device, but consider Job, who was favored by God, a "servant...blameless and upright".  He did not exactly have what the world would see as a streak of favor, but God calls him favored because he allowed faith to outweigh his circumstance.

Psalm 147:10-11 says, “His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.”  People look at my body and they see “broken”, which explains why their first inclination is often to pray for healing or to question the depth of my faith, much like Job’s friends did amidst his trial.  

I ask you to consider that perhaps what looks like a bout of bad luck, what looks like a streak of good luck, what looks like a struggle, or what looks like an abundance are all simply opportunities for us to exercise God’s favor: to realize that we are placed in our situation for a specific time.  If we do not act, God’s will shall certainly carry on, but favor is being chosen to carry out God’s plan in a place and time that might just include our unusual circumstance, no matter how ugly it might look.

#whoselifematters

Guess what?  People come in all different colors.  For some reason, the color of a person has been associated with their worth for as long as records of society have been kept.  Often, people end up in one of two schools on this: 1 - a person's color does not matter and therefore it does not exist (this is the colorblind theory), or 2 - a person's color determines their status, their worth, their personality, etc. (this is often referred to as racism, but is actually the definition of prejudice).  More extremely, you have those who are, in fact, racist, and exhibit hatred toward those with different colors of skin.

Regardless of the school, I think many of us are lying to ourselves.  We clearly are different colors, and there is no association between a person's skin color and their worth aside, from what we have imposed.  We should not deny either fact, nor should it become as raging an issue as it has today.

I am not going to comment on specific events, but suffice it to say that race has become the hot button issue in the media, with several acts of violence/aggression committed among the American people, mainly between those classified as white, and those classified as black.

These acts are not always racially motivated, but since we don't hear of them until after they occur, we are forced to derive details from remaining evidence, often that the suspect and the victim are sporting quite different skin colors.  This leads many to assume there is a racism component; an assumption which, in itself, is sad news for the American people, for to have a person believe a crime is motivated by skin color points to the idea that skin color difference continues to be an issue.

Racism is a problem.  It's a problem that we, the people, have.  I am not racist, but I know people who are and I know people who have been victims of it.  The question is, how do we fight it?

It seems our best attempts at present include facebook statuses, flag pic wars, hashtag campaigns, and countless debates as to whether people and actions and things are racist.  Like, it's not even really a good attempt, guys.  In trying to fight racism, we've ended up fighting each other, which is really how racism got its claim in the first place!

The truth is we are wasting our weapons in the wrong fight.

27For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, heirs according to promise.
Galatians 3:27-29

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:12

The other day I was pulling out of the parking lot of a shopping center and I saw two young black women pull over right in the middle of the lane to exit the lot.  They got out of their car and started running.  It was a strange sight.  I thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe they had lost something out the window?

I looked ahead and an older-aged white man was attempting to push his car down the median of the highway outside of the parking lot.  He was not getting anywhere any time soon, until he suddenly gained speed.  He appeared befuddled at first, until he turned and saw the two women helping him push the car down the street and safely into a gas station, at which point the women turned about and ran right back across the street to get into their car.

We will not win the war against evil by fighting one another.  Hashtags and facebook statuses will not win this battle.  Victory will not come through armchair debate.

We will win the war against evil by responding to the call, by refusing to let skin color be a thing, by laying down our pride and our false judgments, and picking each other up, leading each other to the cross, and running back across the road.

I Don't Know

All my recent posts have been pretty pitiful.  It's been kind of pitiful year.  I was holding onto hope of having a child by natural means and now that they removed Roger (my super-gigantic extraneous tumory organ situation), and my fallopes are squished.  Way to go, body, way to go.

I went through the stages of grief and got all disappointed in God and felt a little dead inside.

So there I was all sorry for myself and crying out to God who was strangely quiet on the subject and I got to the point where I had nothing more to say.

"I don't know why, God, I just don't know."

"That's right," he spoke, "you don't"

"..." I said.

"But I do"

Mind=blown

He proceeded to tell me lots of things I don't know.  And he was right.  I didn't know them.  And I didn't know why the fallopians failed.  I didn't know why I had to be in that stupid car accident to begin with.

And I still don't.

Hallelujah, I am FREE!

For my ENTIRE life, I have felt the need to explain God to the many people who wanted to know if there was some purpose for my challenges.  I gave them a pretty answer, too.  I just knew things happened for a reason and I learned so much from my circumstance and my disability.  I just knew God had made me stronger and more determined through my struggle.  I knew so much.  I thought.

Nope.

Truth: God knows what he's doing.

I have no freaking clue.

I'm excited to answer the next person who asks me, because I finally know how to respond:

I DON'T KNOW!

But I know who does :)

The King and I

I just finished a season of disappointment.  I got angry with God, disappointed in my circumstances.  I felt inadequate, unfairly targeted, and perhaps a little unloved.

Sad story, right?

I got into this season with the best of intentions.  For the year 2015, it was my goal to stand on the promises of God and claim these promises every time I prayed.  At first, this was a good practice.  I became disciplined in the art of faith: knowing and claiming that God would deliver what I was requesting in earnest.

Then the metamorphosis.

My daily time with God became consumed with my requests.  After all, I was becoming skilled in the art of faith, so it was all in the name of practice.

Then my body failed me again.  Twice.  Grumble.

I decided God had failed me and went all two-year-old on him because I hadn't got my way.

It was a cute temper tantrum.

Then God used the whole debacle to teach me one of the most valuable lessons of my life: trusting Him when I won't get what I want.

Part of this lesson came by a lesser known man mentioned in 2 Samuel: Mephibosheth (not as easy to pronounce as David)

Mephibosheth happened to be, as the Bible puts it, "lame in both feet".  David wished to honor Jonathan by blessing his relatives, so he sought such relatives out, and found Mephibosheth, Jonathan's grandson.  David was a king at this point, so he had everything at his disposal.  He took Mephibosheth, likely considered the lowest of the low, and invited him to dine at the king's table, along with the most respected of society.

Following a conflict later in 2 Samuel, David was sifting through his people to find those who remained loyal to him.  Mephibosheth came to him, unkempt, and assured the king of his allegiance to him.  Mephibosheth came with humility beyond understanding, probably due to his own circumstances, but who could call himself better?

"All my grandfather's descendants deserved nothing but death from the lord my king, but you gave your servant a place among those who eat at your table.  So what right do I have to make any more appeals to the king?" - 2 Samuel 19:28

How often have I come to God with my requests assuming that because he said he would give me the desires of my heart, somehow he owes them to me?  How much more of a difference is there between the king I serve and the one Mephy bowed to?

What right do I have to make any more appeals to the King?

Sometimes I forget I serve royalty and all I am is a lame servant, yet my King takes time to hear me and speak to me and care about my life and allows me to dine at his table.

And I deserved nothing but death.

You Knew

Dear God,

Well.  This car accident thing sure has taken its toll.  It took my mom, my ability to walk, run, jump, dance, and now...give birth.

It does not seem to stop taking away.

I remember the doctors saying that there should be no reason I should not be able to have children - that all was intact.  I sure had plenty of signs that things were working well.  As an awkward tomboy, I didn't really care, but it was nice knowing that it hadn't taken everything.

As an adult, a wife, and one whose profession seems inextricably linked to the pouring out of myself into the lives of children, what that car accident had likely not taken became a hope I held onto.

Then I found out I had a growth.  My body had failed me, once again.  At first, I was disappointed in you, but you reminded me that the pit was deeper and you brought me out before I saw the bottom.  You reminded me that you made me to "walk in the light of life".

Turns out the growth was a consequence of that car accident, and has had irreversible effects on fertility.  It just keeps taking away.  I am heart-broken because I didn't think it, but I realized:

You knew.

You knew when I was deathly sick for weeks with that lethal fever that there would be damage and consequences.  You knew I would face this time.  Not only did you know me in my mother's womb, but you knew my womb when I was three.

And you also knew that I would be a mother.

Well, you wouldn't know it to look at me, but you knew the desires of my heart before I knew them.  You knew the hope was more than a reclamation, you knew my heart was gestating the desire for children.

You knew.

And you let this desire grow inside of me, nurtured it, plastered it across my life, prepared me even though I feel like I've lost all my notes!

So if you knew then and still allowed this seed to take root, then you must know something I don't.

Amen

I'd Like to Return This

Isn't it nice when you bring home something brand new and you tried it on at the store and it looked great in their magic lying mirrors and then you get home in the differently-hued lights of your home, and suddenly this garment is hideous?

This is why we leave the tags on until we have comfortably worn the garment for the first time (some of us longer, am I right?).  When there's a problem, we can always return it!  This is great for my budget, but lousy for my philosophy.

About two months ago, I found out I have a very large (like bigger than my stomach) tumor on one of my ovaries.  Now I always thought God and I had this understanding that enough had happened to my body, and I had fulfilled my lifetime of suffering in that regard.  I mean, for real, I can only feel and move about 25% of the thing!

I told God I wanted to return this earth suit.  It was and is defective and I just can't bear to own it any longer!  I may have been mad at him, though at the time, my term was "disappointed".  I thought you were looking out, God!  And now I have to return this thing.  Yes, I am aware there are no exchanges, no store credit, but I really was ready to be done.

Apparently we call this self-pity.

I was on a women's retreat a few weekends later, trying hard not to be mad at him, but knowing that I was.  I was in the bathroom when he took me to town on my feelings.

God has delivered me from going down to the pit, and I shall live to enjoy the light of life. - Job 33:28

In the midst of my complaining, God reminded me of the pit from where he brought me.  I was thinking of the whole thing backwards.  I was thinking of all the things I had already been through and using those to justify why bad things should stop happening to my body.  But I failed to remember that each of the instances of damage that had occurred to my body had also been deliverance from something worse:

1 - car accident = spinal cord injury at T-2 level resulting in permanent paraplegia; well I was 3 and in a very serious car accident, so I could have died (actually I did, so I could have stayed that way)
2 - abdominal infection with fevers up to 104 degrees (as a 3-year-old) again, could have been fatal, and almost was, but then it wasn't
3 - scoliosis from spinal cord injury resulting in spinal fusion surgery (an 8 hour surgery that could have resulted in any number of issues) at the age of 16; very risky surgery I pulled through with flying colors
4 - at the age of 20, became nearsighted and had to wear contacts; could be blind - imagine being in a wheelchair and being blind...I mean,..for real.
5 - at the age of 30, diagnosed with an ovarian tumor; likely is not cancerous, and bonus: they may be able, through the medically necessary (and therefore insurance-covered) surgery, determine why and fix the problem that is resulting in infertility

So yeah, he has delivered me from some pits.  And here I am complaining about it.

For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. - Psalm 56:13

I always like the walking verses for some reason :)

I know I will get to return this body someday and trust me I will jump, run laps, walk, and dance for a long, long time.  But until then, I WILL WALK in the light of life because he has delivered me from the pit.

Pain Proves Life

After my car accident, in order to determine the level of my spinal cord injury, doctors poked me with pins. The logic: if I cried and/or screamed as a 3-year old getting pricked by pins would, then I could feel the pain. If I didn't, well I couldn't. Side Note: this is no accounting for the fact that I could SEE the pins coming and did not take kindly to the clear probability of being stabbed repeatedly by people who were supposed to be caring for me! Throughout the years, I have found that, much like those pin pricks, pain proves life. When I am struggling through a challenge or dealing with an inner conflict, I end up coming to some realization about life that I never would have found if not for the pain. Now, we may see pins coming and begin crying and screaming (and maybe even running), but ultimately it is only the prick of that pin that can show us where death and darkness end and the light of life begins.