I Don't Know

All my recent posts have been pretty pitiful.  It's been kind of pitiful year.  I was holding onto hope of having a child by natural means and now that they removed Roger (my super-gigantic extraneous tumory organ situation), and my fallopes are squished.  Way to go, body, way to go.

I went through the stages of grief and got all disappointed in God and felt a little dead inside.

So there I was all sorry for myself and crying out to God who was strangely quiet on the subject and I got to the point where I had nothing more to say.

"I don't know why, God, I just don't know."

"That's right," he spoke, "you don't"

"..." I said.

"But I do"

Mind=blown

He proceeded to tell me lots of things I don't know.  And he was right.  I didn't know them.  And I didn't know why the fallopians failed.  I didn't know why I had to be in that stupid car accident to begin with.

And I still don't.

Hallelujah, I am FREE!

For my ENTIRE life, I have felt the need to explain God to the many people who wanted to know if there was some purpose for my challenges.  I gave them a pretty answer, too.  I just knew things happened for a reason and I learned so much from my circumstance and my disability.  I just knew God had made me stronger and more determined through my struggle.  I knew so much.  I thought.

Nope.

Truth: God knows what he's doing.

I have no freaking clue.

I'm excited to answer the next person who asks me, because I finally know how to respond:

I DON'T KNOW!

But I know who does :)