In 2008, I attended my church's Women's Encounter - a retreat where you encounter God's presence in the fullest sense (this side of heaven). I went not knowing what to ask God for, just knowing I was open to whatever. In the first small group meeting (foot-washing) I discovered that I was dealing with fear. As the encounter progressed, I realized I had a fear of almost everything and that it stemmed from not trusting God, as well as not recognizing God as first priority in my life. I feared judgment, rejection, windows (?), failure, you name it. So, I mentioned that and my group prayed for me, but I felt like there was more.
In our second small group (Forgiveness and Release) we were supposed to think of people we had not yet forgiven. God has instilled in me throughout my life a strong sense of forgiveness, so when it was my turn, I had nothing to say in that regard, but I began to realize I needed healing. I had a spirit of fear because I didn't trust God. I didn't trust Him because I was sustaining the notion that I had to earn his love. If I had to earn his love, then my trust was placed in myself - my own ability to perform in order to earn. This was not just my philosophy of God - it was my philosophy of LOVE!
As a child, performance was king. If I got straight A's and won awards, my parents were proud of me. Of course they were, they are my parents! But I came to realize that they were only happy with me and proud of me when I was achieving. If I didn't do my chores or if I said or did the wrong thing, not only was I punished, but I was ignored. I was AFRAID of my parents, all the time. It wasn't a fear through love, but a fear completely devoid of love. My definition of love became "what I earn when I do good." Don't mistake what I am saying. Punishment is not a bad thing, but it should never be absent of love (agape). Agape love is UNconditional, and it is supposed to be the love your parents and family model for you. This is not easy of course, and it is often the result of a conscious effort to not only love unconditionally, but to let the other person know they are loved no matter what!
It is not the sort of love I knew. In fact, had you asked me throughout childhood if my parents loved me, I would have said no. I thought my sister loved me and my friends and boyfriends loved me, but the truth was I spent much of my time trying to earn their love (except in my sister's case) as well. I did anything for my friends, with no regard for healthy boundaries, and the same with my boyfriends, which led to giving pieces of my heart and body away long before I should have. But in my mind I had to earn all that love.
One Sunday, my pastor put it like this: there are servants and there are children. Your servants are permitted in your house as long as they are earning their keep. They are not permitted to walk up to your refrigerator, open it, and eat from it what they will, nor are they permitted to use what is yours in your house. Your children, on the other hand, have permission (when given) to access a bed and food available in the house, because they are your children. So it is with God that we are his children, and we share what is his and he loves us simply because WE ARE HIS CHILDREN! Not because we do better than Sally down the street, nor do we lose the love and rights when we flounder, but we are entitled to his gifts because we are his children.
This sermon made zero sense to me. But a seed had been planted and I realized: I was a servant. I grew up a servant in my family. I was treated better than a servant would be, but I had to earn it! Otherwise, I was treated far worse. I serve God, but I am his child! That shift truly began for me during the encounter. My group leader decided upon hearing my story that my child-self (inner child I suppose) needed to be healed. And that's what they prayed for.
Perhaps not immediately, but my fears disappeared. I have even since challenged them and they are gone! Doubt may creep up now and again, but I have taken an alias - a new identity - one rooted in love: I am a child of God, Yahweh's child. It is who I am and I am loved simply because of it. All the good I could do in my life could not entitle me to God's love. Nobody deserves God's love, grace, and mercy, but he offers it freely through Jesus Christ, and that means that no matter what I do or do not do, God will not rescind his love for me.
This is called freedom, and through understanding God's perfect agape love, I have experienced freedom. Freedom to love and serve God happily, and the same for my husband, and even my family. While I have officially cleaved from my family and no longer give power to their...well, anything really...I still can love them with agape love that transcends understanding.
I pray that my parents learn about agape love, and the same for my siblings. None of them seem to get it and my heart breaks for that fact. I spoke to my sister on the phone today who, after 7 years (post-age 16) had no contact with my parents, has been working on repairing her relationship with our dad for about 3 years now. She is getting married and was working through some financial conversations with my dad. She explained during our phone call how she just couldn't take those conversations anymore and that she was done. This is not the first I had heard of the same thing, and I always offer her the same advice: you can love Dad anyway, whether he does what you want or need him to do or not. I have learned this and it makes me happier. I can let them say and do what they will, within my boundaries, but it doesn't bother me - I am free of their judgment. I can agape them and they don't have to agape back, because that's not what agape is about. See, she is not a follower of Christ, and agape from God is a foreign concept for her, but I can be an example of it to her, and allow God's light to shine through me. I pray for the day when she feels that warm light.
The understanding I have received through all of this has changed my life - drastically. The best part is, it makes me a better witness for the power of Christ, because despite everything - all the challenges, I can honestly say I am loved for who I am - Yahweh's child =)
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