I'd Like to Return This

Isn't it nice when you bring home something brand new and you tried it on at the store and it looked great in their magic lying mirrors and then you get home in the differently-hued lights of your home, and suddenly this garment is hideous?

This is why we leave the tags on until we have comfortably worn the garment for the first time (some of us longer, am I right?).  When there's a problem, we can always return it!  This is great for my budget, but lousy for my philosophy.

About two months ago, I found out I have a very large (like bigger than my stomach) tumor on one of my ovaries.  Now I always thought God and I had this understanding that enough had happened to my body, and I had fulfilled my lifetime of suffering in that regard.  I mean, for real, I can only feel and move about 25% of the thing!

I told God I wanted to return this earth suit.  It was and is defective and I just can't bear to own it any longer!  I may have been mad at him, though at the time, my term was "disappointed".  I thought you were looking out, God!  And now I have to return this thing.  Yes, I am aware there are no exchanges, no store credit, but I really was ready to be done.

Apparently we call this self-pity.

I was on a women's retreat a few weekends later, trying hard not to be mad at him, but knowing that I was.  I was in the bathroom when he took me to town on my feelings.

God has delivered me from going down to the pit, and I shall live to enjoy the light of life. - Job 33:28

In the midst of my complaining, God reminded me of the pit from where he brought me.  I was thinking of the whole thing backwards.  I was thinking of all the things I had already been through and using those to justify why bad things should stop happening to my body.  But I failed to remember that each of the instances of damage that had occurred to my body had also been deliverance from something worse:

1 - car accident = spinal cord injury at T-2 level resulting in permanent paraplegia; well I was 3 and in a very serious car accident, so I could have died (actually I did, so I could have stayed that way)
2 - abdominal infection with fevers up to 104 degrees (as a 3-year-old) again, could have been fatal, and almost was, but then it wasn't
3 - scoliosis from spinal cord injury resulting in spinal fusion surgery (an 8 hour surgery that could have resulted in any number of issues) at the age of 16; very risky surgery I pulled through with flying colors
4 - at the age of 20, became nearsighted and had to wear contacts; could be blind - imagine being in a wheelchair and being blind...I mean,..for real.
5 - at the age of 30, diagnosed with an ovarian tumor; likely is not cancerous, and bonus: they may be able, through the medically necessary (and therefore insurance-covered) surgery, determine why and fix the problem that is resulting in infertility

So yeah, he has delivered me from some pits.  And here I am complaining about it.

For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. - Psalm 56:13

I always like the walking verses for some reason :)

I know I will get to return this body someday and trust me I will jump, run laps, walk, and dance for a long, long time.  But until then, I WILL WALK in the light of life because he has delivered me from the pit.

Pain Proves Life

After my car accident, in order to determine the level of my spinal cord injury, doctors poked me with pins. The logic: if I cried and/or screamed as a 3-year old getting pricked by pins would, then I could feel the pain. If I didn't, well I couldn't. Side Note: this is no accounting for the fact that I could SEE the pins coming and did not take kindly to the clear probability of being stabbed repeatedly by people who were supposed to be caring for me! Throughout the years, I have found that, much like those pin pricks, pain proves life. When I am struggling through a challenge or dealing with an inner conflict, I end up coming to some realization about life that I never would have found if not for the pain. Now, we may see pins coming and begin crying and screaming (and maybe even running), but ultimately it is only the prick of that pin that can show us where death and darkness end and the light of life begins.